2021
A cookbook that requires no cooking. Each recipe ends in a QR code that directs to that food on Postmates near you. Hardcover. 200 pages. Yes it really works. Everyone who attended the 2021 Oscars got one. So it’s possible some well-known people have this book on their coffee table. Assuming people like Brad Pitt have coffee tables. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been to his house.
2021
Sometimes when you’re really hungry, recreational swan boats look different. To reserve one in Echo Park, please visit wheelfunrentals.com/ca/los-angeles/echo-park and click the ‘Reservations are Required. Book Now.’ button. Unfortunately, the rotisserie chicken boat is no longer bookable. My guess is someone ate it. But that’s both speculatory and impossible.
2023
In 2021, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that college athletes could finally profit off their own name, image, and likeness. Creating a gourmet dijon mustard with University of Texas football player Bijan Robinson was the next logical step. The logical step after that was to get on national television multiple times for free. And after that, it was only logical to hold a featured panel at SXSW. And then it was logical to get on national tv again during the NFL Draft. Just goes to show, sometimes it’s smart to follow logic.
2023
Like a rookie card. But mustard. Limited run of 150. As typical with rookie cards, rookie bottles will retain their highest value if kept in uneaten condition. Rookie bottles are also included in select wholesale cases purchased by retailers. Just like rookie cards. But mustards.
2022
A western hat establishment offering an alternative to the 10-gallon hat. On National Day of the Cowboy, the hattery opened on South Congress Ave. in Austin TX. An online shop opened as well. Each hat style was named after a breed of mini horse. The limited run of 150 handmade hats sold out online in 3 minutes. That’s exactly what it’ll say if you click through to this project page. There will also be pictures of the hats and stuff. Despite being small, the hats wouldn’t fit in this description. Believe me I tried.
2022
An Easter event for adults. Held in Philadelphia, Tampa, Milwaukee, and Portland in 2022. The event was deemed necessary after hearing these real quotes from real adults: “I used to love Easter. Now Easter sucks.” “Last time I had fun on Easter I was 12.” “I’m crippled with student loan debt and my mortgage is underwater. What was the question?”
2023
A mustard-based tour tee. Luckily all the dates and cities line up perfectly with Bijan's Atlanta Falcons NFL game schedule. Not sure what we would’ve done if they didn’t. Probably cancel the whole tour? If even one date or city was off, that could’ve been catastrophic. But luckily they all line up perfectly, like I said above.
2022
BIJAN No.5 is in no way affiliated with the luxury fragrance brand that rhymes with SHAMEL, or any of its subsidiaries. If you are one of SHAMEL’s legal representatives and wish to take judicial action against Bijan Mustardson, please reach out to madeupemailaddress@bijanmustardson.com and expect to hear back within 3 to 5 business years. In the meantime, feel free to purchase this delicious candle and enjoy with your nose.
2022
Autographed 1-of-1 shirts commemorating every Bijan touchdown. Each shirt could only be won on Instagram by replying first to the story posted immediately after Bijan scored. Messages flooded in within seconds of every touchdown. Bijan scored 20 in total. The shirts are not for sale, only for win. Though if a previous winner puts one up for sale on eBay or something, I suppose in that case, this shirt would be for sale. Maybe set up a Google alert or something.
