2022
Launching the gourmet dijon mustard of college football running back Bijan Robinson, under new NIL guidelines. Commercials. Packaging. Website. Social. The mustard leaked just days before launch when someone found it in a supermarket and posted on Twitter. Truth be told, there wasn’t really a playbook for building a gourmet football mustard brand. Which is ironic. Football itself has lots of playbooks. Good ones too.
2022
Welcome to Ranch Rider, where drinks are made from only premium spirits, sparkling water, and fresh-squeezed citrus. At least that’s what the RTBs on the brief said. And while those are all true, it’s important to note that Ranch Rider the ranch is completely fictitious. You can try looking for it on Google Maps. But just know you’ll find nothing.
2022
After the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade in June 2022, it became dangerous to use digital period tracking apps. Which was all of them. Except Period Tracking App, the only period tracking app that tracks your period for you and only you. Because it’s paper. And you keep it in your bathroom. Once your app is marked, please avoid sharing photos of it on social media. It’s also very important to not let government officials in your bathroom. If your privacy is compromised by a government official being in your bathroom, please dispose of your app completely by lighting it on fire. You can always download a new one here for free anytime.
2022
A margarita made with only 4 simple ingredients. Tequila. Citrus. Sparkling water. Sea salt. That’s it. Really, that’s all. And since it seems we have some space to fill, here’s an advertisement from one of this website’s sponsors, Oura. “Oura combines advanced sensor technology and a minimal design with an easy-to-use mobile app to deliver precise, personalized health insights straight from the most reliable source: your body. Shop the Oura Ring today.”
2022
A western hat establishment offering an alternative to the 10-gallon hat. On National Day of the Cowboy, the hattery opened on South Congress Ave. in Austin TX. An online shop opened as well. Each hat style was named after a breed of mini horse. The limited run of 150 handmade hats sold out online in 3 minutes. That’s exactly what it’ll say if you click through to this project page. There will also be pictures of the hats and stuff. Despite being small, the hats wouldn’t fit in this description. Believe me I tried.
2022
An unwelcoming welcome mat. Beacuse some entrances aren’t for entering. Some entrances are just there because that’s how the house or apartment was designed and changing the entrance into a solid wall would be a lot of work. Not to mention the monetary cost. Labor and materials are expensive these days. It’s a lot easier to just let your guests know which entrance to use. Which is definitely not the one by this mat.
2022
An Easter event for adults. Held in Philadelphia, Tampa, Milwaukee, and Portland in 2022. The event was deemed necessary after hearing these real quotes from real adults: “I used to love Easter. Now Easter sucks.” “Last time I had fun on Easter I was 12.” “I’m crippled with student loan debt and my mortgage is underwater. What was the question?”
2022
BIJAN No.5 is in no way affiliated with the luxury fragrance brand that rhymes with SHAMEL, or any of its subsidiaries. If you are one of SHAMEL’s legal representatives and wish to take judicial action against Bijan Mustardson, please reach out to madeupemailaddress@bijanmustardson.com and expect to hear back within 3 to 5 business years. In the meantime, feel free to purchase this delicious candle and enjoy with your nose.
2022
Autographed 1-of-1 shirts commemorating every Bijan touchdown. Each shirt could only be won on Instagram by replying first to the story posted immediately after Bijan scored. Messages flooded in within seconds of every touchdown. Bijan scored 20 in total. The shirts are not for sale, only for win. Though if a previous winner puts one up for sale on eBay or something, I suppose in that case, this shirt would be for sale. Maybe set up a Google alert or something.
