2023
A shelf made of scaffolds. Weighs just under 400 pounds. Held together with ratchet straps. Please note, this shelf is a tip-over risk and must be attached to a wall securely with the hardware provided. Seriously. This is not IKEA. Do not ignore the “must attach to wall” thing. These are very heavy and dangerous scaffolds.
2023
For the high-performance office. There’s only one way to tell this cabinet is supercharged, and it’s not how smooth the drawers slide. You can tell this cabinet is supercharged by the Italian luxury sportscar manufacturer decal on the upper right. Once again, it’s not how smooth the drawers slide. Though they do slide pretty smooth.
2024
The dumbest Apple Studio Display ever. Made with authentic Apple parts but not affiliated with Apple at all. I like to think Steve Jobs would’ve smiled at this. Right before issuing an aggressive cease and desist letter, and swiftly filing numerous injunctions against me personally, of course. That man did not play around. Or so I’ve heard. He’s never told me that personally.
2023
A burgled burglar mask. Some burglars claim to be burglars, but you shouldn’t always trust them. One way to verify that the burglar you’re looking to hire is legitimate, is by checking their mask for an anti-theft security tag. If it doesn’t have one, they may have paid for it honestly. And you never want to hire an honest burglar. That would just be plain stupid.
2024
The hunger is real. And it’s important to be real on BeReal. It’s just a bonus if your face looks flattering from the angle you scan the restaurant QR code from. Bringing up the menu is the goal. Getting a nice photo of yourself while doing it is simply a nice to have.
2024
An Instagram profile that never loads. Unless you tap a loading highlight. Then it loads right away. Every time. Unless you don’t have any service. Then it really doesn’t load. This issue is currently being worked on.
2023
New Balance 407's. Stolen from Steve Carell in the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love. If you have not seen the movie, I recommend it. These shoes are stolen from the guy in the jeans. Again, metaphorically. I didn’t steal the actual shoes. Steve is not looking for me. Please do not call the cops.
2022
Some entrances aren’t for entering. Some entrances are just there because that’s how the house or apartment was designed and changing the entrance into a solid wall would be a lot of work. Not to mention the monetary cost. Labor and materials are expensive these days. It’s a lot easier to just let your guests know which entrance to use. Which is definitely not the one by this mat.
2023
For placement only. Still waiting on final copy. Once the creative department has some options, we’ll get everyone else's opinion. You can never have too many opinions. After the entire group has come to an agreement, we’ll present the option we like to the client, along with a bunch of other options we don’t believe in as much. This shows them how many ideas we have. Naturally, we’ll end up moving forward with one of the options that wasn’t as good but we showed anyway. After a few rounds of revisions to that one, we’ll finally get to very safe copy that everyone on both sides feels whelmed about. And that’s what will ship to the tattoo artist. Assuming legal clears it of course.
2021
A trip to IKEA. Drawn on IKEA bags. Framed in IKEA frames. Unfortunately IKEA doesn’t make markers that rival the quality or brand recognition of Sharpie markers. So the markers used on these were not from IKEA. Hopefully that doesn’t lessen the value of them though. I should really just rewrite this and not talk about the markers. It’s probably best if I don’t mention Sharpie at all. They’re not even that prestigious anyway.
2017
Advice for eating dinner with your father. If you are not currently eating dinner with your father, feel free to take this advice anyway. It’s really advice for eating dinner with anyone. It also applies to breakfast and lunch too. Not even just meals, actually. It applies to not-meals too. Sure, the name of this project is very specific. But the advice itself is much more general. Honestly it’s the generalist.
2018
There’s nothing technology can’t almost fix. Almost is definitely the key word though. This solution didn’t provide much warmth, but it did provide a nice crackling sound and a very consistent fire appearance. I didn’t even have to go mess with the logs once. I do wish it gave off some warmth though. Winter in New York was cold.
